We spent nine weeks complaining that Perri, the professional dancer, was going to win Dancing On Ice and how it just wasn’t fair.
Then Joe Swash swooped in, took the trophy from under his nose in the biggest shock in reality show history and we spent the whole evening complaining that Perri should have won all along and how it just wasn’t fair.
Welcome to the Greatest Show on Ice aka the Only Show on Ice.
Yes, it was the Grand Final and – like Perri’s backflip- everything was topsy turvy.
Christopher Dean declared Perri and Vanessa’s Bolero the BEST in Dancing On Ice history, which is no mean feat considering we have had the likes of Ray Quinn and James Jordan (also a professional dancer) on the show before.
Perri performed the aforementioned backflip – slightly wobbly landing to be honest and he still skates with hunched shoulders but let’s not quibble – but the great British public was not having any of it and Joe Swash swept to victory.
Social media was in absolute turmoil.
There hadn’t been such fury, rage, venom, vitriol and other adjectives that describe strong disagreement in the history of television EVER.
Well, not since last week when magician Ben Hanlin was robbed of his place in the final and Libby was put through instead.
“A scene-stealing performance,” gushed the judges about Libby. More like a ‘place in the final’ stealing performance.
It made sense why Libby and Mark (or Libby and Over-Marked, as I call them) had been put through ahead of Ben last week when the judges mentioned International Women’s Day.
“An inspiration,” sobbed Jayne who was so overcome with emotion she couldn’t speak.
Us women are all for equality not for special treatment but in Dancing On Ice-land the rules are different.
I was still missing magician Ben, as were others, who noted he did more skating in his little walk on part than Libby did in her entire two full routines. He could have won the entire series.
I didn’t like the first skates with all the professionals on the rink too, I found it too distracting and couldn’t see who the celebrity was.
Another bugbear was that the judges were handing out tens all over the shop even though the performances didn’t warrant that and it left me ten-se. We never had that in previous series.
Libby and Over-Marked got tens too even though she was carried around by even more skaters and then, when she was on her own, she just slithered across the ice.
It wasn’t ALL awful though.
We saw long-forgotten previous contestants like Trisha and Maura and the gormless footballer who has somehow become entangled with man-eater Brianne- #PrayforKevin.
Of course H had to self-importantly announce that he had made history by being the first to appear in a same sex coupling on a reality show.
“I am proud to have spread a movement across other shows,” he said smugly.
I’m not sure what movements he was referring to, a bowel one perhaps? Libby did say she was going to fart.
Considering it was the Final I was expecting a huge name to perform like maybe Dua Lipa or the Weeknd.
Heck, I would have settled for Caprice and that’s saying something.
Instead we saw Torvill and Dean who were sublime but I’m sure I’ve seen them do that dance before.
At least we got to see Jordan the cameraman in a weird cage thing which made me lol.
It was refreshing that neither Joe or Perri had any idea about the Bolero as usually the zelebs bang on about how great it is and how it is their dream to skate to it.
In the end it was a shock result but maybe not that surprising.
The viewers didn’t like the fact that they had been manipulated by Ashley being Perri’s mentor and ‘big brother’ and Perri, a professional dancer, was more keen on doing acrobatics on ice anyway.
We didn’t like how Libby was shoe-horned into the final too.
One witty tweeter commented: “The people who voted for Joe over Perri are clearly the same people panic buying pasta and loo roll.”
Joe Swash had at least improved but more importantly he had the Loose Women vote which, let’s face is, is the biggest lobby group in the UK right now, it could probably bring down Trump such is their power.
The winner was announced and Holly and Phil couldn’t get away fast enough. It all felt obscenely rushed.
Like a bad lover the show missed the spot every single week, was hit by scandal and drama and was too crazy to comprehend.
If it returns next year we need at least one judge who isn’t unhinged or friends with or related to any of the contestants; Jason Gardiner would not have tolerated this nonsense, to be fair.
Not that fairness ever came into any part of it.
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