With over 120k Instagram followers, Lala is the anonymous voice helping womankind through every bump in the road. An established sex, dating and relationship educator, she’s had her fair share of relationship drama and shares her wisdom on social media to a loyal army of followers.
Every week thousands turn to her to answer their questions, (no matter how embarrassing), and her funny, frank approach to love and relationships has made her the ultimate feel-good guru. Now, she’s sharing her knowledge exclusively with The OK! VIP club. Register below and access Lala’s weekly wisdom.
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I went into lockdown single, and I am coming out single. My love life is like a ghost town, literally like an abandoned town where all the men have died or gone off to war.
Imagine a deserted wasteland with tumbleweed blowing past, that is a visual representation of my love life and my vagina – actually that's not a deserted wasteland, it’s an abandoned temple, and there are no visitors on the horizon.
Although occasionally, in the dead of night, an eerie sound will appear, and an actual ghost will return from the dead wooooing and whispering "Hey stranger! Looking good in your pic. How are you and little man?"
Many of us singletons have received messages from people from our past during lockdown, and many of us have entertained them, despite the fact there were good reasons why it never went anywhere with them the first time around.
Back in 2019 BC (before corona) we would have probably shuddered at the thought of seeing Gary from Harlow who we fizzled out at the time because he had started sending pictures of him lying on his bed with one hand behind his head while biting his lip in an attempt at being seductive, yet now we are happily giving him a bit of airtime because we LITERALLY have nothing (no one) better to do.
A lot of people have done the same with exes. It’s far easier to rekindle a conversation with someone who you already know than it is to wade through hundreds of depressing dating app profiles, so the temptation to talk to exes has been high.
That’s not always a bad thing, it really depends on why you broke up in the first place. If it was a case of right person wrong time last time around then things could work out now.
If they were a complete scumbag who couldn’t keep their penis in their pants, then it’s unlikely that things will be any different now.
On my Instagram polls someone asked: 'Are you chatting to someone who you know isn't right for you just out of loneliness?’ and 43% of people said they were.
We are now edging closer and closer to a time when we might be able to see these people in real life and it’s important to consider whether the connection is real or just a symptom of the pandemic.
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Even though the end is in sight, we are still very much in the Corona zone, we are recovering from the most stressful, world changing, internationally depressing event that one could imagine.
A lot of single people experienced loneliness and a sense of panic about whether we could ever meet anyone again. Many people who were happily single before the pandemic suddenly felt a sense of dread about what the future might hold.
We need to be mindful of the impact that lockdown has had on us and the fact that we may have lowered our boundaries and standards as a result.
So, it’s important to reflect on whether you are talking to these people from your past out of boredom and desperation before you agree to meet them when this is over.
If you have developed a new lockdown internet romance and you are finally seeing a light at the end of tunnel for being able to meet up, try not to allow this insane crisis that we're living through to make you feel like you have to rush into things with people in ways that you wouldn't have done before lockdown.
I can confirm from experience that it's a terrible idea. Many years ago, I was talking to a guy for months, we spoke and facetimed daily and nightly and I was certain that this guy was my soul mate.
I knew I fancied him, I knew we had chemistry, and I knew that absolutely nothing could make me not like this guy. He lived in Manchester and I live in London, so it wasn't easy to find time to meet, but because we were so certain that we were meant to be together we arranged for our first date to be a weekend away.
It didn't even occur to me that this was a risky thing to do at the time, I had full confidence in the fact that this would work perfectly. The first time we met in person was at the hotel and the second I laid eyes on him I got the ick.
I got it so strongly and so badly that I could barely even look at him. He was the same person, he looked exactly like he did in pictures and videos; but face to face it was completely different and I have never felt more lonely, weird, and icked out as I did for the duration of that weekend.
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‘He’ll believe that rubbing walnuts on your head is as effective as a vaccination – so why do we get sucked in by spiritual f*ckboys?’
And even if they seem perfect for you, and you’ve been out for a socially distanced walk and they haven’t given you the ick yet, there is a distinct possibility that things could drastically change once restrictions are lifted. Is it really love or is it just lockdown?
Judging by the reaction to Boris’ announcement on social media, everyone is planning to party like it’s 1999. Partying will start at 9am on 21st of June and will continue until we get locked down again in the autumn.
We are literally being released back into the wild, with a few extra pounds and some new mental health issues, and this new-found freedom might mean that people who were feeling romantic during lockdown suddenly feel like they want to sow their wild oats once it’s done. So be mindful that things could really change, and if they do, it wasn’t your fault. It was Boris’.
This pandemic has shown us that we need to love a little harder, and it has made some of us realise that we really want a partner, and that life is short, and we should say yes to every opportunity.
The enforced celibacy has also made many of us suffer from D*ckmentia and Ballzheimers, both of which can lead us to making terrible decisions. But we definitely need to remember that rushing into things with people can lead to us wasting our precious time, as well as being potentially dangerous.
Rushing into things with virtual strangers, or running back to toxic exes, is never not going to be a risky idea. Being alone is far better than having to spend a weekend with someone whose breathing makes you want to vomit, or worse, someone who turns out to be a complete psychopath.
Follow @Lalalaletmeexplain on Instagram for more relationship home truths.
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